Gray

i see you in smoke rafters the beams, the cigarette butts falling between the grates

i see you in the stillness of candles, the slow burn, the flickering of desire

i see you in music and every time i pick up my dusty guitar the ashes fall off and you linger in the shine

i see you standing there.

i see our breakdown, i hear you say “you just told me you didn’t love me” i hear the break in your voice

i feel it die in my chest

you sit hunched over in that familiar position with your boots on, staring at the floor

i see flowers i see ashes i see the light that once was, the sun how it shone when i heard your voice

i see you in street corners. alleyways. the fleeting glance of a stranger rushing by

i see gray. the dull pain, the end.

 

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Holding Your Place

In retrospect it all seemed glossier

Rose faded colored glasses and the tint of sienna haze that formed whenever you said goodbye –

The glow in your warm center and your laughter

your laughter

Holding hands walking up the dark stairwell the petals

trailed behind us and blew away with the wind

They got swept up in the whirlwind and disappeared into the sunlight.

I could see those little specks of light trickling through the dusty corridor whenever I came home,

And the dust would form a shape just like you used to

They were holding your place.

The Warm Hours

  When the warm hours rust over and slowly turn to the steely sounds of rushing and of cold and water droplets leaking from dusty pipes
I will remember the nights we sat on my old apartment floor reminiscing and pressing our toes together to show that we understood.
I will remember the beach and the way that sand carried through the wind and how your laughter echoed across the paths of gulls as she ran out to play.
I will think upon those days of light footed exploration where foggy ponds became magical landscapes
Where we ran through the docks head on into our futures.
I will remember the way you laughed as you skipped gingerly across those mossy rocks. You always had a way of making everything worthy of a smile.
And I will remember all the nights you called me and told me, “Honey, everything will be alright.”
– It will be alright
just so long as you will always be my happy conversation
The one who forgets to put the chicken in the freezer
But that has never stopped me from loving you –
– it never has-
It has only ever made me love you more.

12 Things to Remember After a Breakup

Breakups are hard. That’s probably the understatement of the century. A breakup can leave you reeling – feeling unbalanced, emotionally raw and unstable, unmotivated and generally very lacking in the self esteem department. As someone who has gone through a major breakup of a long term relationship, there are a few lessons I’ve learned that have comforted, motivated and inspired me. Thought I would share.

1. You can only love another person as much as you love yourself. 

“The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself.” – Sahaj Kohli.

When we’re in relationships, we often use other people as crutches to make up for the weaknesses that we see in ourselves. What we need to realize is that we need to learn to love ourselves first in order to properly love others. After all, it’s impossible to love another in a way beyond the way in which you love yourself. Self-love represents the highest form of love you have to offer – so if you don’t love yourself, you aren’t going to be able to fully love someone else. Focus on building yourself up again and giving yourself the love and validation you’re craving. Take yourself out on dates and spoil yourself a little!

2. You attract what you are.

“My primary relationship is with myself- all others are mirrors of it. As I learn to love myself, I automatically receive the love and appreciation that I desire from others. If I am committed to myself and to living my truth, I will attract others with equal commitment. My willingness to be intimate with my own deep feelings creates the space for intimacy with another. As I learn to love myself, I receive the love I desire from others.” – Shakti Gawain

It’s funny how life works sometimes. After a major breakup, I completely threw myself into the things that I loved. I wrote feverishly, played the piano into the wee small hours of the night and began to really nurture my love of the outdoors. When I began dating again, I met another writer, another musician and another lover of nature. None of this was planned – these were all coincidences and things I learned after getting to know each person. When you know who you are, you begin to attract what you are. It’s important to find who you are, to nurture that and to love yourself for it. When you are doing what you love, you will naturally attract and find similar minds who will love you for exactly who you are.

3. You can only forgive others if you learn to forgive yourself first.

Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, and recognize that you’re human. Humans make mistakes, and that’s perfectly alright. When you cannot forgive yourself, you’ll find that it’s even harder to find it in yourself to forgive others. Once you learn to forgive yourself, you’ll be able to see the humanity in others as well and let go of things with ease and grace. Holding onto resentment only hurts you more in the long run. Life is short. Forgive quickly, love deeply and focus on happiness.

4. Positive energy attracts positive energy. Negative energy attracts and perpetuates negative energy.

Have you ever noticed the fact that when you’re having a bad day, your day just seems to get worse and worse? In the same vein, when you wake up in a great mood, almost everything seems to go your way. They say that when it rains, it pours, and there’s a reason for that. The energy you put out into the world will be returned to you. Make sure that the energy you’re putting out there is positive, and you’ll see that the positive things in your life will begin to multiply.

5. When your problems seem too big, expand your world. 

This is something I learned from my dad. Your problems will seem a whole lot bigger when the world in which you operate is small. When you’ve got a lot going on in your life and when you have many things to focus on, your problems will automatically become smaller in proportion to your universe. This is something we experience when we stargaze, venture out in nature, travel, or learn more about the world around us. When you realize that there is a great big world out there that is living, breathing and humming with energy, you’ll begin to appreciate the miracle that is life and this beautiful world around us. The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, step outside and expand your boundaries. Go somewhere you’ve never been, do something you’ve never done, and try something that scares you. Anything that makes you feel small (in a good way) will make your problems seem smaller as well. Don’t forget to laugh. Life doesn’t always have to be serious, and it’s definitely not a test. Remember – none of us make it out alive anyway.😉

6. Trust the process. Trust the universe. 

A lot of us are so focused on control. We try to control the outcomes of our relationships, the outcomes of our days, the outcomes of our careers and ultimately the outcomes of our lives. What we don’t realize is that everything – literally everything – is outside of our control. Bad things happen to good people sometimes, no matter how hard we try to prevent it. Sometimes it is our very resistance to what is actually happening that prevents us from moving in the right direction. Learn to be fluid and flexible, moving with life as it changes shape and brings us to new places. Trying to force things that aren’t meant to be is discordant in nature, and will create discord in your life as well. Move with life and know that if something is yours to keep, it will be yours in the end. Focus on fluidity, loving yourself, and being a positive ray of light in your own and in other peoples’ lives.

7. Nothing is good or bad. Just alive. 

As humans, we tend to place a value and judgement on everything. This is good – this is bad, this is right and this is wrong. The world we live in is not perfect. Unfortunately, we don’t have a users manual – and no one can tell you the right way to live your life. Sometimes you’ll do the “right” things, and sometimes you’ll do the “wrong” things. Try to take the value and judgement out of your life experiences, and recognize that you’re just a human being – being alive.

8. You must love and accept yourself unconditionally – just the way you are, right now in this moment. 

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

Being focused on self-awareness and self-improvement is a good thing, but you also need to learn to accept that you will always be a work in progress. There isn’t a destination that needs to be reached – you are perfect just as you are, right now, in this very moment. Being a work in progress is a very positive thing. You will always be changing – so love and accept yourself exactly as you are and embrace yourself in your perfect imperfection. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to make mistakes.

9. Nothing is yours to keep. Enjoy what you are given. 

Nothing is permanent – not even life. Our expectation that certain things in life must have permanence causes us pain. We are just here, passing through and enjoying the beauty that is given to us. So let go of attachment, let go gracefully of what is not yours to keep, and give love freely and unconditionally. Enjoy what you are given and embrace simply what is – and not what is past, what is in the future, or what could be. And when you enjoy what is, you will start to realize that what is becomes all you’ve ever needed. There is something so beautiful about that.

10. Never let your happiness depend on something you may lose. 

Everything in life that is given to you can be lost. The only thing that you’ll always have is yourself. Focus on letting your happiness come from within. Find ways to make yourself happy, and do things that make you feel good about yourself. Make sure that you are providing yourself the happiness you need – because in the end, you really are all you’ve got.

11. Live with intent and practice radical self-love.

It’s easy to go on autopilot and to let life pass you by. Focus on becoming alive and staying close to things that make you excited to be alive. What are the things you’ve always wanted to do? What are the things you’ve always wanted to try? Life is so, so short. Collect experiences and memories – focus on that – and love both yourself and others as best as you can along the way.

12. Let yourself be weak.

Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go.” – Mooji

Realize that it’s okay to cry, that it’s okay to feel lonely, and that it’s okay to not feel strong all the time. Being strong all the time can be exhausting. Part of being strong is also allowing yourself to be weak and to feel everything that you’re feeling. Relax knowing that it’s perfectly alright and that you’re doing the best that you can. One day at a time. 🙂

Lost Cause

I’m so scared
and it’s already too late
I’ve already fallen
I’m already yours
my heart belongs to you and

I want so desperately
I want so desperately not
to take me back
to belong to me again
and I do

but my heart already knows the touch of your hands
and my heart already knows the sound of your voice when you tell me goodnight

and I already know that when the rain comes down as it always does

All I’ll ever be able to think of is you.

The Bed Meant for You

Did we miss the morning?

Somewhere between warm Autumn nights and coffee tinged afternoons I lost something.

Autumn would bring the warmth of the leaves and the blow of the breeze and the chill of Christmas would come in unexpectedly with the night air.

My heart would be warm and full with promises of lights cascading and dinners and stoves and friends with their laughter

somewhere between this city and the stars I lost something and I don’t know what it is.

Autumn leaves scatter past me in the wind and I walk into my lit apartment – the clean, empty bed a gentle reminder of the fact that I’m alone

and as the scent of a mahogany wood fire crackling with spices picks up in the air, I wish there was someone coming home.

My half eaten apple sits atop the counter and I glance there, thinking about how nice it would be to have you sitting next to me on the couch, laughing.

I’d climb into your arms and the warmth of your smile would melt it all away.