Home

Home is where the heart is, so they say.

But where is my heart? When the wind blows tumbleweed across the cracks in the sand, they pick up debris as they roll on by. Where is my heart?

“It is not down on any map,” as they say – “true places never are.”

And home isn’t the same anymore; it never was. It can be fleeting

flying

feeling.

We and the river are constant change – ever-evolving, turning a new leaf just as tiny roots stretch their newborn legs into soft, brown soil.

And still we chase, gather, hunt. Nostalgia. Birth. Rebirth. Brown, cracked leaves, brown leaves covered in rain.

(Is home an illusion?)

I reach down, frantically picking up dark brown leaves, shoving them in my pockets – some crack in my hands, some are wet and pliable and I gather them, desperate and hungry – barely noticing the feeling of wet earth between my toes.

“Home.” “Home.”  “Home.”

quickly!

gather

…please.

My pockets are full, bulging with dead leaves.

Is it down on any map?

(True places never are)

I just want to feel safe in the constance of your smile.

Something about the dirt between my toes tells me I’ve got nothing to do but be.

Something about the earth beneath my feet tells me I’m here.

Something about the sand inside my pockets tells me it’s now.

Home is where the heart is. But where is my heart?

I stuff my hands in my pockets and squeeze the soft brown leaves. If I close my eyes and breathe in the deep forest air, I know my heart is in the feeling I get when I hear you say,

“One of the happiest moments in my life was watching the sun rise this morning.”

My heart is in your laughter.

My heart is in “I love you.”

 

It was then that I knew,

Honey, I’m home.

Flowers

Covered spaces, cracks in the pavement

The way our smiles lit up dusk like twilight

Love me forever

If only for this moment in time

Light up my life my heart like fireworks

Blanket my soul

We didn’t notice the dandelion seeds blowing in

endless roads, distance, causeways for miles and miles

We’ll take these trails hand in hand forever

didn’t notice the foxtails in the distance,

flowers got in the way

The movies

sun setting over highway 94

your voice still an echo fading,

distant sunlight

you know i’m driving all the way to chicago,

i don’t know if i’m ever coming back home.

i remember the way you used to look at me

you didn’t know i longed for you the same.

melt my heart into your pillow

don’t you know your smile shoots

darts like sunbeams?

i know the days we walked in darkness

were numbered, so numbered

if these streets could talk they’d tell you

that i still remember

sand dollars, that one day

and i wanted you so badly

i wanted so badly for you to be the one.

Salt

salt and snow gravel grind beneath your shadow smile

miles and miles,

left behind the train tracks skidding with the pebbles dancing off the rails as we race on by.

Don’t you know we’re going to Alaska?

you say laughing, throwing your hat into the air

throwing

your

hat

into

the

air

for a moment all i see is your joy

and in that moment i know that nothing else matters

-mh-

Wrap Me

wrap my heart in embers

encase my chest in cloth wrap it stop it from breaking

or at least hold its shattered pieces together

wrap it in steel so I can’t feel the quaking

the chasms

roaring rivers running through canyons

filled with lions

cool it with breezes, funnel in light

hold me so hard that it stops hurting

hold me hard and plant flowers in my emptiness

I want to watch them bloom in the springtime

please

remind me that everything dies but that there is new life

Hard

so many words i wanted to say

untouched spaces, fragments, mind

untouched heart caverns, rivers

shattered, blind

and where is the hard,

where is it when all i see is water, ruins, drown

your softness cuts into my chest

empty cave, gravel grinding, crush

dark and where, where is the hard

where is the hard when the very place

where i once felt safe now scares me to death

dark corners, mirrors, walls and walls and walls

pain, no love to be found.

Bookends

I want to devour those pages

those words, intoxicating fantasy

the pit in my stomach,

Ravage you, cover to cover

I want to feel your cobblestones against the soles of my feet and revel in the sunshine playing off of your shoulders

The window gaze reflecting sharply searing into my consciousness

Take me down a little dirt road to faraway England where the sun shines down on the fields of peat

Take me through forests

Replete with dew

The smell of cinder in the trees

Take me through twists and turns to that old bar

Brett Ashley smoking in the corner

lazy gaze of wine, drunk, and afternoon glistening in her eyes

Take me running through glittering cities

breathless

the grates hitting our heels endless causeways

and then lead me back to that forgotten orange

Sitting in the fruit bowl placed up high

Long gone summers, kisses, laughter

Take me through those corners and tell me why you always keep the light on in that empty room just in case

I want to feel those corners like they’re mine

Memorize the pages, run them across my tongue like aged honey

Filling my chest like love found,

Like love lost.

Take me back to the time we were sitting in that old Chevrolet and the dust was catching the sun just right across the windshield, lazy day in 1979

You put your sunglasses on and kissed me and everything felt like cigarette smoke and sunshine.

-mh