The Bed Meant for You

Did we miss the morning?

Somewhere between warm Autumn nights and coffee tinged afternoons I lost something.

Autumn would bring the warmth of the leaves and the blow of the breeze and the chill of Christmas would come in unexpectedly with the night air.

My heart would be warm and full with promises of lights cascading and dinners and stoves and friends with their laughter

somewhere between this city and the stars I lost something and I don’t know what it is.

Autumn leaves scatter past me in the wind and I walk into my lit apartment – the clean, empty bed a gentle reminder of the fact that I’m alone

and as the scent of a mahogany wood fire crackling with spices picks up in the air, I wish there was someone coming home.

My half eaten apple sits atop the counter and I glance there, thinking about how nice it would be to have you sitting next to me on the couch, laughing.

I’d climb into your arms and the warmth of your smile would melt it all away.

Lessons Learned in Solitude

I used to be someone who hated being alone. Every moment spent in my own company was a moment to be fixed – a moment to be fixed by introducing the company of others. I used to hate coming home to an empty apartment. All I wanted was to feel the warmth of someone’s arms around me. Lately, I’ve felt a shift – I’ve noticed myself finding time to myself to be not only enjoyable, but crucial to finding and being who I am. Through being alone, I’ve learned to love myself completely for everything that I am.image(6)

I’ve learned that what you are is what you attract. When you know what you want and you know who you are, you become a person who is fully capable of attracting people who are similar to and seeking out the qualities you have nurtured in yourself. The relationship that I have with myself is the most important one of all. It is the one that supersedes all other relationships. I’ve learned that before I belong to anyone else, I belong to myself.

I’ve learned that I love being alone. I love taking walks by myself, I love listening to my own thoughts, and I love the freedom to be me without wondering what anyone else is thinking. I am my own best friend. I love wondering. I love finding myself as I’m wondering. I love the feeling of writing without knowing what I’m about to uncover.

I even love that feeling of excruciating loneliness that forces you to understand truly how important it is to be there for yourself, and to be kind to yourself. I love the moments of clarity that come when you’re crying alone in the darkness, and you realize that nothing in your life was ever random. Somehow, as you lie under the stars, you realize that you are changing. You will never be the same. You will never need anyone the way you used to need people. You will always prioritize yourself, and you will never bend over backwards to appease anyone else ever again. You realize that you have tremendous value, and that you’ll never allow anyone to take that away from you. You realize that you will always put your dreams and priorities first.

I’ve learned that self-discovery is a life-long commitment, and not just a temporary project.

You realize that the person you need to be with is a person who will make you a better version of yourself. The person you need to be with is the person who will love and push you to be everything you are, and more. I’ve learned that I won’t accept anything less than someone who loves me for exactly who I am, and who loves me for all of the reasons that I love myself. I’ve learned that knowing yourself and understanding what you’re made of is crucial to the success of any relationship – and most importantly, the relationship you have with yourself.

Loving myself completely is the greatest gift solitude has ever given me, and I am happy.

12 Bright Sides of Loneliness

A beautiful post on the bright sides of loneliness. Being alone is a gift – something I have come to embrace fully.

The Fickle Heartbeat

12 Bright Sides of Loneliness

A beautiful feature post by Single Strides.

“I am a lover without a lover.  I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” – Warsan Shire

Happiness sometimes hits you the moment you’re driving somewhere, completely alone. The sun will be sitting against the horizon while lighting the world you call your present. The windows will be down and you feel the breeze against your skin – it reminds you that you’re alive.

Just the right song comes on the radio. You find yourself moving to the music and living against the words. You’re blooming in the moment of independence and you feel every bit of yourself growing more comfortable within your skin.

In these moments, I’m always reminded of the happiness that sits at the bottom of my heart. Sometimes it’s weighed down by heartbreak, by regret, by doubt, or anything that doesn’t feed the beats…

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Lonely Planet

7 days ago, I was on a flight headed for Ho Chi Minh City. “Headed for” are the key words here. What I was really doing at the time, and what I was unaware that I was doing, was that I was headed on a flight to Beijing where I would miss my connection to Ho Chi Minh city and have to spend the night all by myself with a stranger in a less than delightful hotel room in a less than delightful city.

The time between leaving San Francisco and arriving in Ho Chi Minh city was spent completely alone, since Tracy was on a different flight. I found myself idling away hours in the airport, walking through dozens of duty-free shops, bookstores and travel stores. I purchased a simple alarm clock, a small container of hand sanitizer, and a few pens so that I could write whenever I felt the urge to share something with someone. I thought about the title of the popular travel guide series “Lonely Planet,” and decided that it was aptly named. As I made my way slowly to my gate and noticed the travelers streaming past me, I felt an incredible sense of loneliness, but simultaneously, a strong sense of lightness and freedom. Having left my devices at home, with nothing to entertain me other than reading the manual for my cheap travel clock or scribbling down my thoughts in the notepad I’d purchased, it dawned on me that there was no way for anyone to reach me, and that I was in an airport alone, flying to a foreign country alone. I watched as families and couples walked past me, many of them excited about the trips they were about to take, scurrying around in a frenzy to reach their gates on time.

Most of the time, I am well aware that it can be lonely on this planet we live on. For anyone who has ever felt alone in a crowded room, I am sure that it is easy to relate. Traveling alone brings this awareness to a whole new level. Stripped of the distractions and the people we depend upon to quell this feeling of loneliness, we become completely aware of the artifice of the constructions we have made around our lives, and how easy it would be to destroy those constructions and build new ones. The lightness is all at once freeing and unbearable.

Richard Bach once said, “Every person, all the events of your life, are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.” As I wandered by the shops and restaurants, I became increasingly aware of the truth in this statement.

A few foreigners standing in front of me in line at a Starbucks attempted to order a coffee in broken English. I walked to my gate, sat down, pulled out a book and began to read.