Breakups are hard. That’s probably the understatement of the century. A breakup can leave you reeling – feeling unbalanced, emotionally raw and unstable, unmotivated and generally very lacking in the self esteem department. As someone who has gone through a major breakup of a long term relationship, there are a few lessons I’ve learned that have comforted, motivated and inspired me. Thought I would share.
1. You can only love another person as much as you love yourself.
“The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself.” – Sahaj Kohli.
2. You attract what you are.
“My primary relationship is with myself- all others are mirrors of it. As I learn to love myself, I automatically receive the love and appreciation that I desire from others. If I am committed to myself and to living my truth, I will attract others with equal commitment. My willingness to be intimate with my own deep feelings creates the space for intimacy with another. As I learn to love myself, I receive the love I desire from others.” – Shakti Gawain
It’s funny how life works sometimes. After a major breakup, I completely threw myself into the things that I loved. I wrote feverishly, played the piano into the wee small hours of the night and began to really nurture my love of the outdoors. When I began dating again, I met another writer, another musician and another lover of nature. None of this was planned – these were all coincidences and things I learned after getting to know each person. When you know who you are, you begin to attract what you are. It’s important to find who you are, to nurture that and to love yourself for it. When you are doing what you love, you will naturally attract and find similar minds who will love you for exactly who you are.
3. You can only forgive others if you learn to forgive yourself first.
Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, and recognize that you’re human. Humans make mistakes, and that’s perfectly alright. When you cannot forgive yourself, you’ll find that it’s even harder to find it in yourself to forgive others. Once you learn to forgive yourself, you’ll be able to see the humanity in others as well and let go of things with ease and grace. Holding onto resentment only hurts you more in the long run. Life is short. Forgive quickly, love deeply and focus on happiness.
4. Positive energy attracts positive energy. Negative energy attracts and perpetuates negative energy.
Have you ever noticed the fact that when you’re having a bad day, your day just seems to get worse and worse? In the same vein, when you wake up in a great mood, almost everything seems to go your way. They say that when it rains, it pours, and there’s a reason for that. The energy you put out into the world will be returned to you. Make sure that the energy you’re putting out there is positive, and you’ll see that the positive things in your life will begin to multiply.
5. When your problems seem too big, expand your world.
This is something I learned from my dad. Your problems will seem a whole lot bigger when the world in which you operate is small. When you’ve got a lot going on in your life and when you have many things to focus on, your problems will automatically become smaller in proportion to your universe. This is something we experience when we stargaze, venture out in nature, travel, or learn more about the world around us. When you realize that there is a great big world out there that is living, breathing and humming with energy, you’ll begin to appreciate the miracle that is life and this beautiful world around us. The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, step outside and expand your boundaries. Go somewhere you’ve never been, do something you’ve never done, and try something that scares you. Anything that makes you feel small (in a good way) will make your problems seem smaller as well. Don’t forget to laugh. Life doesn’t always have to be serious, and it’s definitely not a test. Remember – none of us make it out alive anyway.😉
6. Trust the process. Trust the universe.
A lot of us are so focused on control. We try to control the outcomes of our relationships, the outcomes of our days, the outcomes of our careers and ultimately the outcomes of our lives. What we don’t realize is that everything – literally everything – is outside of our control. Bad things happen to good people sometimes, no matter how hard we try to prevent it. Sometimes it is our very resistance to what is actually happening that prevents us from moving in the right direction. Learn to be fluid and flexible, moving with life as it changes shape and brings us to new places. Trying to force things that aren’t meant to be is discordant in nature, and will create discord in your life as well. Move with life and know that if something is yours to keep, it will be yours in the end. Focus on fluidity, loving yourself, and being a positive ray of light in your own and in other peoples’ lives.
7. Nothing is good or bad. Just alive.
As humans, we tend to place a value and judgement on everything. This is good – this is bad, this is right and this is wrong. The world we live in is not perfect. Unfortunately, we don’t have a users manual – and no one can tell you the right way to live your life. Sometimes you’ll do the “right” things, and sometimes you’ll do the “wrong” things. Try to take the value and judgement out of your life experiences, and recognize that you’re just a human being – being alive.
8. You must love and accept yourself unconditionally – just the way you are, right now in this moment.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha
Being focused on self-awareness and self-improvement is a good thing, but you also need to learn to accept that you will always be a work in progress. There isn’t a destination that needs to be reached – you are perfect just as you are, right now, in this very moment. Being a work in progress is a very positive thing. You will always be changing – so love and accept yourself exactly as you are and embrace yourself in your perfect imperfection. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to make mistakes.
9. Nothing is yours to keep. Enjoy what you are given.
Nothing is permanent – not even life. Our expectation that certain things in life must have permanence causes us pain. We are just here, passing through and enjoying the beauty that is given to us. So let go of attachment, let go gracefully of what is not yours to keep, and give love freely and unconditionally. Enjoy what you are given and embrace simply what is – and not what is past, what is in the future, or what could be. And when you enjoy what is, you will start to realize that what is becomes all you’ve ever needed. There is something so beautiful about that.
10. Never let your happiness depend on something you may lose.
Everything in life that is given to you can be lost. The only thing that you’ll always have is yourself. Focus on letting your happiness come from within. Find ways to make yourself happy, and do things that make you feel good about yourself. Make sure that you are providing yourself the happiness you need – because in the end, you really are all you’ve got.
11. Live with intent and practice radical self-love.
It’s easy to go on autopilot and to let life pass you by. Focus on becoming alive and staying close to things that make you excited to be alive. What are the things you’ve always wanted to do? What are the things you’ve always wanted to try? Life is so, so short. Collect experiences and memories – focus on that – and love both yourself and others as best as you can along the way.
12. Let yourself be weak.
“Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go.” – Mooji
Realize that it’s okay to cry, that it’s okay to feel lonely, and that it’s okay to not feel strong all the time. Being strong all the time can be exhausting. Part of being strong is also allowing yourself to be weak and to feel everything that you’re feeling. Relax knowing that it’s perfectly alright and that you’re doing the best that you can. One day at a time. 🙂
Invest in yourself – you are your greatest asset.
I used to be someone who hated being alone. Every moment spent in my own company was a moment to be fixed – a moment to be fixed by introducing the company of others. I used to hate coming home to an empty apartment. All I wanted was to feel the warmth of someone’s arms around me. Lately, I’ve felt a shift – I’ve noticed myself finding time to myself to be not only enjoyable, but crucial to finding and being who I am. Through being alone, I’ve learned to love myself completely for everything that I am.
I’ve learned that what you are is what you attract. When you know what you want and you know who you are, you become a person who is fully capable of attracting people who are similar to and seeking out the qualities you have nurtured in yourself. The relationship that I have with myself is the most important one of all. It is the one that supersedes all other relationships. I’ve learned that before I belong to anyone else, I belong to myself.
I’ve learned that I love being alone. I love taking walks by myself, I love listening to my own thoughts, and I love the freedom to be me without wondering what anyone else is thinking. I am my own best friend. I love wondering. I love finding myself as I’m wondering. I love the feeling of writing without knowing what I’m about to uncover.
I even love that feeling of excruciating loneliness that forces you to understand truly how important it is to be there for yourself, and to be kind to yourself. I love the moments of clarity that come when you’re crying alone in the darkness, and you realize that nothing in your life was ever random. Somehow, as you lie under the stars, you realize that you are changing. You will never be the same. You will never need anyone the way you used to need people. You will always prioritize yourself, and you will never bend over backwards to appease anyone else ever again. You realize that you have tremendous value, and that you’ll never allow anyone to take that away from you. You realize that you will always put your dreams and priorities first.
I’ve learned that self-discovery is a life-long commitment, and not just a temporary project.
You realize that the person you need to be with is a person who will make you a better version of yourself. The person you need to be with is the person who will love and push you to be everything you are, and more. I’ve learned that I won’t accept anything less than someone who loves me for exactly who I am, and who loves me for all of the reasons that I love myself. I’ve learned that knowing yourself and understanding what you’re made of is crucial to the success of any relationship – and most importantly, the relationship you have with yourself.
Loving myself completely is the greatest gift solitude has ever given me, and I am happy.
A beautiful post on the bright sides of loneliness. Being alone is a gift – something I have come to embrace fully.
A beautiful feature post by Single Strides.
“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” – Warsan Shire
Happiness sometimes hits you the moment you’re driving somewhere, completely alone. The sun will be sitting against the horizon while lighting the world you call your present. The windows will be down and you feel the breeze against your skin – it reminds you that you’re alive.
Just the right song comes on the radio. You find yourself moving to the music and living against the words. You’re blooming in the moment of independence and you feel every bit of yourself growing more comfortable within your skin.
In these moments, I’m always reminded of the happiness that sits at the bottom of my heart. Sometimes it’s weighed down by heartbreak, by regret, by doubt, or anything that doesn’t feed the beats…
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