We are the most incredible nothing, and the most incredible everything.
“If you are aware of a state called is, or reality, or life, this implies another state called isn’t -or illusion, or unreality, or nothingness or death. You can’t know one without the other. And so as to make life poignant, it’s always going to come to an end. That is exactly – don’t you see – what makes it lively. Liveliness is change – it is motion. You see, you are always at the place you always are…and you think “Wowie, we’ll get that thing. I hope we don’t go further down so that we don’t lose what we have.” But that is built into every creature’s situation no matter how high or how low. So is this sense, all places are the same place. And the only time you ever notice any difference is in the moment of transition. When you go up a bit – you gain, when you go down a bit you feel disappointed, gloomy, lost. You can go all the way down to death. Somehow, there seems to be a difficultly in getting all the way up. Death seems so final. Nothing seems so very very irrevocable and permanent. But then if it is, what about the nothingness that was before you started? On the contrary, it takes nothing to have something. Because you wouldn’t know what something was without nothing. The most real state is the state of nothing. See if you think of this idea of nothingness as blankness, you haven’t understood it. Nothingness is really like the nothingness of space, which contains the whole universe. All the sun and the stars and mountains, and rivers, and good men and bad men, and the animals, and insects, and the whole bit – all are contained in void. So out of this void comes everything and you are it. What else could you be? Because you are really nothing. But this is the most incredible nothing.” – Alan Watts
i search for you in pages in books
the words lain across the page
maybe you’re just at the very bottom.
i look for you around the edges of my sheets
between the fingers of my brush
in the shadows the dust casts around my bedroom.
maybe i’ll find you in the pauses before my quiet breaths
in the spaces next to the words of our favorite songs
i’ll search for you
i’ll find you in that moment right after i wake from a dream, hazy
and just before i open my eyes
maybe i’ll find your laughter in the coffee stains on the lip of my morning cup
or maybe i’ll find the traces of your smile left in the spaces between them
I see you on trains, in subway stations. you glance at me and you smile –
Like we share some sort of secret.
Light shadows race past me and everything else goes still and silent,
You flicker like a television screen.
And as you turn away the pieces of you begin to fade
They get carried away with each passing train.
we are gathering speed
the clock strikes midnight and the particles of my heart stream out of me like electrons gathered in your current.
I can still see your smile in the back of my mind
It’s burned into me like smoke
I know your face because I’ve loved it for so long.
And as the last train out pulls away from the station
I’m leaving pieces of me all over the city.
i see you in smoke rafters the beams, the cigarette butts falling between the grates
i see you in the stillness of candles, the slow burn, the flickering of desire
i see you in music and every time i pick up my dusty guitar the ashes fall off and you linger in the shine
i see you standing there.
i see our breakdown, i hear you say “you just told me you didn’t love me” i hear the break in your voice
i feel it die in my chest
you sit hunched over in that familiar position with your boots on, staring at the floor
i see flowers i see ashes i see the light that once was, the sun how it shone when i heard your voice
i see you in street corners. alleyways. the fleeting glance of a stranger rushing by
i see gray. the dull pain, the end.
There goes my love
I’m letting it die
I’m letting it fade from inside and slip out from beneath me
And I don’t want to go
But this is where I’m going
I don’t want to go
But I’m letting you fade away
I’m letting your kisses slip from the trace of my lips
I’m letting your touch slip from the curves of my back
And right now it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart that one day it won’t.
you stood on the corner
a little sliver of me
a little piece of the trees
there was sunshine and you
were the whole of my heart
disappearing into the slant of sunlight
where I couldn’t see you.
I craned my neck, looking back for you.
And you didn’t notice
but as I turned my back to approach the sunlight,
my heart disappeared when you did.
In retrospect it all seemed glossier
Rose faded colored glasses and the tint of sienna haze that formed whenever you said goodbye –
The glow in your warm center and your laughter
Holding hands walking up the dark stairwell the petals
trailed behind us and blew away with the wind
They got swept up in the whirlwind and disappeared into the sunlight.
I could see those little specks of light trickling through the dusty corridor whenever I came home,
And the dust would form a shape just like you used to
They were holding your place.
When the warm hours rust over and slowly turn to the steely sounds of rushing and of cold and water droplets leaking from dusty pipes
I will remember the nights we sat on my old apartment floor reminiscing and pressing our toes together to show that we understood.
I will remember the beach and the way that sand carried through the wind and how your laughter echoed across the paths of gulls as she ran out to play.
I will think upon those days of light footed exploration where foggy ponds became magical landscapes
Where we ran through the docks head on into our futures.
I will remember the way you laughed as you skipped gingerly across those mossy rocks. You always had a way of making everything worthy of a smile.
And I will remember all the nights you called me and told me, “Honey, everything will be alright.”
– It will be alright
just so long as you will always be my happy conversation
The one who forgets to put the chicken in the freezer
But that has never stopped me from loving you –
– it never has-
It has only ever made me love you more.